Oh my god. Im so upset. I hate my life, and i hate everything about myself. I am just so depressed right now. I hve been eating alot again. Last week i lost like 5 pounds. And then the weekend came, and i gained it back..Fuckk. And i just feel so lonely right now. I really dont have anyone. Godd, why am i still here. I just need some one to be there for me, who i can depend on and talk to. I cut my self last night. I didnt do it horribly, cause i dont want someone to see the cuts and make a big deal out of it. Today i ate like 3 pieces of oreo cake, nutella, coffee, 2 chicken strips, and 2 suckers. Ive been doing lunges, and did 200 crunches today and the bridge for 30 seconds. Why do i even come onto this site? No one comments back on my blogs, or really cares about what i hav to say. I dont blame them. Cause this seriously is all pathetic, and i have no fucken life. But no matter what i do i cant change how i feel about myself. Nothing can. I will never be happy. I hate everything about myself. Things about me tht cant be changed. There is no answer to my problems. When will i be happy? Never. God, it just sickens me to listen to myself. Everything that comes out of my mouth is fucken screwed up. I just dont wanna be here anymore.
Well, lets just say i am an embarrassment to society. I seriously dont want to even think about food anymore. I have been so fat for like a month and a half now. I've stopped dieting, and become such a fatass. I barely ever weigh myself, due to shame and guilt. I know i probably weigh like 130 pounds. I remember in the summer of 2008, i got down to 104 pounds. Now im fucken 120-130. I hate what i have become. I hate this soo much.
Well, i've been doing horribly for the past few days. New years eve was a nightmare. Like seriosly i ate soo much. New years day i ate alot as well. Yesterday i didnt eat anything except supper. I was sleeping over at my friends house and her mom made nachoes with guacomoli, and salsa and hamburger. Then this morning she made pancakes,bacon, and eggs. Like i know i should have made some kind of excuse to not eat very much. But this friend that i went to was one who reported me to the school counselor which made me start eating again 4 years ago. I barely see her anyways cause we go to different schools. But i wouldnt want her to start noticing me not eating because i need to lose this weight this time. So today i've ate 1 pancake with butter and syrup, scrambled eggs, and one slice of bacon. I know. Horrible. And i guess my mom is making tacos for supper tonight. How am i going to surrvive? I'll just have one soft taco with barely any hamburger and lots of lettuce. Or ill just not put anything in it except lettuce and salsa! Good thinking. :) And tomorrow i work at 5-9:15 so i can get away without eating supper. I'll try to not eat anything tomorrow. I've never gone a whole day without eating anything. The closest to not eating i've done is 4 strawberries. That was like back in June. I'm proud of myslef for how thin i was back then. My cheekbones and hipbones were finally showing. Now im fat. Nothing but a ugly fucken fatass. A cow, pig, elephant, monster...and so on. :(
StartingWeight:127
Goal:107
CW:123
